Please, sir -- can I have some more?

What I said last week (paraphrased and condensed for readability) when asking my Dean for a raise:

You might remember from last spring that I had planned to stand for early tenure. I’ve decided, however, to wait for several reasons, the most important of which is that I believe I am not being compensated adequately for the work that I have done at this university. I have taught three distinct classes each semester for four years, usually with one or more new preps per term; I have published more than most faculty who have already earned tenure; I am evidently incapable of turning down service requests, and I have spoken to more community audiences and done more to represent this university than any other faculty member I can think of. Having looked at similar jobs at similar schools, I have determined that I could possibly earn a more satisfactory salary elsewhere. For these reasons, I have decided to go on the market this year. I would be interested in staying at [University of X], but I am unwilling to do so at my current salary.

What I was thinking last week (unexpurgated and carefully reconstructed from memory) when asking my Dean for a raise:

You feeble-minded turd gobbler.

First of all, it blows my mind to learn that you make $110,000 a year. As near as I can tell, your job pretty much consists of issuing contradictory and arbitrary policy decisions, the bulk of which contribute to the endless ass-fucking that constitutes our lives as faculty. Having served that function admirably, you and your cheesy porn star mustache leave town for three months a year to study [unnamed animal species] on [unnamed remote continent] -- a research program, by the way, that pretty much renders you the laughing stock of this campus. Consequently, I can’t fathom the perversity of a universe that requires me to come to you on bended knee to ask for a motherfucking raise that would (if granted) still earn me far less than half your fucking salary.

To make the situation even more humiliating, you just hired a term faculty in [under-enrolled social science discipline] who hasn’t even finished his/her fucking Ph.D. and who is now -- after precisely zero years teaching at this fucking clown college -- earning three thousand dollars more than I do. In fact, I won’t earn his/her salary until AFTER I earn tenure in two years -- a process, by the way, that I have no intention of completing without some sort of massive fucking change in the status quo around here. And don’t give me any of the usual bullshit about not offering retention raises to faculty without a competing offer, because as everyone knows, you offered [unnamed natural science professor] a 10% raise for no discernible reason last spring, a gesture that he/she certainly appreciated when purchasing his new fucking boat this summer. Meantime, Spouse and I can only afford three days of fucking child care each week, a deficit that requires Yours Truly to spend two academically unproductive (though personally exhilarating) days watching the Tax Deduction shove random objects in his/her mouth.

You wonder why your junior faculty in the humanities and social sciences don’t stick around for tenure? Because this job makes us want to torture small animals and drink ourselves into death in our garages. Sadly, though, when I break into your office and take a shit on the letter of resignation I leave on your desk, there will be 200 desperate motherfuckers clamoring at your door the next week, willing to accept a position for $5000 less than what you’re paying me right now. Fuck you, you taint-tasting fuck.

Unsurprisingly, the Dean was non-committal on the question of raising my salary.