Dial "D" for "Douchebag"
Good news, world! I didn't get a (new) job this year! The fucknuts at QLAC decided to take a pass on me, and they had the high fucking class to dispense the news in a brief letter (and the phrase "I shit you not" comes to mind here) signed with the laser-printed signature of the department chair. Are you fucking kidding me? Actually, to call it a "signature" would be to grant the gesture an unearned degree of professional courtesy. This was not like a mass mailing from George W. Bush to his supporters -- e.g., "Laura and I thank you for your generous financial support and the stellar rim jobs we received during our last visit to [insert fascist gated community name here]. Best wishes, [insert facsimile of president's signature here]." No, none of that. This was actually the search committee chair's name printed in a different fucking font. (I think it was Lucida Handwriting.) They couldn't even pretend to give a fuck. To top it all off, the letter was evidently the same letter they mailed out to the first round of rejects -- it thanked me for taking the time to apply but expressed regret that my candidacy could not be "passed along to the next stage" and that I would not be invited for a campus interview.
Congratulations, QLAC! You are the inaugural recipients of the Outstanding Achievement in Douchedom Award, to be awarded each year to the college or university department that single-handedly undermines all the pious rhetoric about making academic searches "friendlier" and more “humane.” If I ever run into you feeble-minded fucks at a conference, I’ll try to remember to say hello before I blind you all with a handful of shrimp skewers.
Honorable mention to Large Southern State University, which has evidently decided to save money on letterhead this year by e-mailing its job search rejects en masse with the anticlimactic news that we "were not among those invited for preliminary conference interviews in January." Thanks for the tip, ass clown. I was wondering what to do with myself those first few days of the year. Ending the e-mail on a more positive note, however, the human resources director -- I suppose the search committee chair simply can’t be bothered to participate in the correspondence -- encouraged us to consider applying for "other open positions" at the university.
What a fabulous fucking idea! Here I was, thinking that the world had closed in around me, that the three years I devoted to stuffing my CV with attractive, interesting classes, peer-reviewed publications and an impressive roster of service commitments had all come to naught -- that somehow I had become less marketable since I first bartered my way into the academy in 2002. But no. As LSSU has helpfully reminded me, the bong is actually half-full! I'm not an economist, for instance, but I see here that a position in econometrics is still listed as open. And it seems the grounds crew is always looking for someone to mow the lawn and snip the rose bushes. There are, in fact, a lot of fantastic jobs at this university that somehow -- in my withered, constricted view of my own skills -- I managed not to explore.
The future sure does look bright. It will probably look even brighter after I drink the bottle of scotch calling me from across the living room....
Congratulations, QLAC! You are the inaugural recipients of the Outstanding Achievement in Douchedom Award, to be awarded each year to the college or university department that single-handedly undermines all the pious rhetoric about making academic searches "friendlier" and more “humane.” If I ever run into you feeble-minded fucks at a conference, I’ll try to remember to say hello before I blind you all with a handful of shrimp skewers.
Honorable mention to Large Southern State University, which has evidently decided to save money on letterhead this year by e-mailing its job search rejects en masse with the anticlimactic news that we "were not among those invited for preliminary conference interviews in January." Thanks for the tip, ass clown. I was wondering what to do with myself those first few days of the year. Ending the e-mail on a more positive note, however, the human resources director -- I suppose the search committee chair simply can’t be bothered to participate in the correspondence -- encouraged us to consider applying for "other open positions" at the university.
What a fabulous fucking idea! Here I was, thinking that the world had closed in around me, that the three years I devoted to stuffing my CV with attractive, interesting classes, peer-reviewed publications and an impressive roster of service commitments had all come to naught -- that somehow I had become less marketable since I first bartered my way into the academy in 2002. But no. As LSSU has helpfully reminded me, the bong is actually half-full! I'm not an economist, for instance, but I see here that a position in econometrics is still listed as open. And it seems the grounds crew is always looking for someone to mow the lawn and snip the rose bushes. There are, in fact, a lot of fantastic jobs at this university that somehow -- in my withered, constricted view of my own skills -- I managed not to explore.
The future sure does look bright. It will probably look even brighter after I drink the bottle of scotch calling me from across the living room....
posted by Bad Attitude | 8:40 PM
2 Comments:
Preach it!
I had the same experience. It's so generous of these search committees to let me know in March that they are not going to interview me at last year's convention! My mind is set at ease; I had been worrying that I missed 32 interviews due to an email glitch!
Thank you for this blog!
You are killing me. I am loving it. Please don't stop. I realize you won't be going on any more interviews, but I hope you will keep writing about the bullshit of academe. Or bullshit of your choice. Either way, I will read.
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